Big Fat Queer

March 29, 2010

Holy Cow! I can reach my ass!

Filed under: Eat Less; Move More — bigfatqueer @ 12:33 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

I have briefly alluded to certain issues with activities of daily living that personal enormity brings about in the blog and on vlogs. There is one issue that helped push me past the brink and motivated me to do something. Not only is it inconvenient, but it is embarrassing, but in starting this blog I have rejected embarrassment in favor of full disclosure.

Some very large people reach a point where they can no longer reach their ass. This creates an enormous inconvenience when you want to scratch your ass, pat yourself on the ass when nobody else will or… well it doesn’t require much imagination to apprehend the indignities one encounters on the dark side of the moon. After losing one stone (as my friend Robb in London informs me), I am proud to say the Eagle has landed and Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin (I have named my digits) are walking on the moon!

You may wonder (or not) how I solved certain hygiene problems when the landing module lost communications with my ass. Let’s just say that necessity is the mother of invention (R.I.P. Frank Zappa). In my research on how others might approach the issue, I found (but never actually purchased) a device called the Bottom Buddy on a site called LivingXL.

Description: An award-winning, ergonomically designed bathroom aid that’s hygienic and easy to use. 11″ long with a curved handle, it has a soft, flexible head with three tulip-petal sections that securely grip any tissue or pre-moistened wipe. Once inserted, tissue covers the rounded head, and can be released using a push button on the handle. Includes a carry pouch for travel and storage.

Who knew?

No breakfast today. For lunch I am having a turkey on rye sandwich with a small bowl of romaine lettuce with sesame ginger dressing. Altogether between 500-600 calories.


  1. You got to ask yourself, how many people have picked up a thing like that in the flea market and started doing karaoke, not having a clue what it was used for 😐

    Comment by Alex Neave — March 29, 2010 @ 12:45 pm | Reply

    • I’m thinking of Ferris Bueller singing “Danke Schoen” in the shower.

      Comment by bigfatqueer — March 29, 2010 @ 2:52 pm | Reply

  2. congrats on losing the stone man. i still haven’t gathered the whole stone to pound conversion, but apparently according to my friend here i am 9.5 stone. i’ve lost a bit of weight myself. definitely not thru dieting, but being more sensible about what i consume. fresh products (not processed), portioned sizes, etc. i haven’t had fast food in over a year. and as we speak right now, i am steaming a chicken breast and some corn. yummy.

    your humour is divine. thanks for the update phil!

    Comment by nic — March 29, 2010 @ 12:59 pm | Reply

    • Where I come from stones is slang for testicles. When my testicles weigh 14 lbs I plan to have a four hour erection and call my doctor.

      Comment by bigfatqueer — March 29, 2010 @ 2:53 pm | Reply

  3. =D

    Nic, one stone is the same as 14pounds, its a handy way of making it sound like your numbers are alot less!

    Phil, Congratulations!
    Your food choices always make me feel both guilty and hungry at the same time, i have to agree that your wit is outstanding!

    As for personal hygeine, we all have to do it, and we all need to be told how!
    A favorite joke of mine is asking people how they know that they are wiping properly =)
    they invented the bidet for all the right reasons haha x

    Comment by Robb — March 29, 2010 @ 1:48 pm | Reply

    • I have seen internet debates on wiping standing or sitting. Having grown up in a household where everyone sat, I had no idea that people did that standing up. Apparently a lot of people had no idea other people do it sitting down. Viva diversity.

      Comment by bigfatqueer — March 29, 2010 @ 2:54 pm | Reply

      • I stand up,i cant do it siting down,then theres the whole front to back issue lol

        Comment by robb — March 29, 2010 @ 5:44 pm

  4. Hi! I’ve been following this new blog even though i never commented, i never know what to comment. This an interesting idea, that’s a fact, my food habits are getting worst everyday and got me some new perspective on this issue that i never focused in before. and I’m happy to see you are achieving your goals! Continue to walk more and more, i will enjoy your company on the many miles i want to walk in NY this year, it’s delightful to have you as a guide! πŸ˜‰ Big hug sexy Phil

    Comment by F3lixP — March 29, 2010 @ 4:38 pm | Reply

    • I hope by the time you get here I will be walking for miles at a day with no fatigue or pain. I’ll show you around.

      Comment by bigfatqueer — March 29, 2010 @ 9:50 pm | Reply

  5. Hi Phil,

    I’ve been following your vlog on YouTube for a couple of years and I love it. I’m glad to see that you have started blogging.

    I highly encourage you to check out Mark Sisson’s blog and forums at and start eating a primal diet. If you go there and look around you will find so many success stories and so much support and help. There are people there that have lost hundreds of pounds and some people there that face the same weight issues that you do. What you will find if you follow the primal way of eating is that you no longer crave so many of the foods you did before, it helps curb the appetite, lowers triglycerides and helps with diabeties. I am listening to your latest video as I type this and I hear you talking about eating more real foods and less processed and that is what Mark’s Daily is all about!! And it’s not a diet, it really, truly is a lifestyle change. Look for a guy there in the forums named Griff; he is also very overweight and gay and he is highly intelligent about the primal lifestyle, and I believe has faced some of same challenges you have.

    I’m so, so gald to see you moving in the right direction towards a more healful lifestyle! Congratualtions on the 13lbs you’ve lost so far and here’s to a healthy Phil! πŸ™‚

    Comment by Melissa — March 29, 2010 @ 5:42 pm | Reply

    • I checked it out. There is much about the primal diet that I like, but I do occasionally want grain products in my diet. I can never subscribe to any one ironclad magic bullet system. I take what seems reasonable to me from several different points of view and try to find what works for me.

      Comment by bigfatqueer — March 29, 2010 @ 9:49 pm | Reply

  6. Gee, I didn’t even know I was registered on wordpress! The email address is no longer active though. This is burtoncharlessmith on youtube.
    I had the problem you speak of when I was at my heaviness, somewhere around 375 lbs. That was years ago. Now I stay a few pounds over 300 or thereabouts. I didn’t know they made a magic stick for it though.
    Keep up the good work!

    Comment by Burtimus Maximus — March 29, 2010 @ 5:58 pm | Reply

    • This is the good old USA. If there is a buck to be made somebody will figure out how to make it. With the nation growing more obese, I have a feeling magic sticks are a growing industry.

      Comment by bigfatqueer — March 29, 2010 @ 9:45 pm | Reply

  7. Very handy in deed! Glad you’re keeping up with things… when you said one stone… I thought you meant a kidney stone! Glad it’s just the weight.

    Comment by Steve — March 29, 2010 @ 6:57 pm | Reply

  8. Awesome entry Phil!

    I really enjoyed it. Congrats on your weight loss and I love your sense of humor.

    Comment by I.S. — March 30, 2010 @ 8:43 pm | Reply

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